Blog Week.
I’m going to write 5 blogs this week on different topics.
* Improv
* Writing Novels & Other Stuff
* Why I Never Curse
* Women
* Cirque Di Soleli
All of those. This week.
Topic: 2012
2012 is going to be my year that I grab by the balls. I meant to grab 2010 and 2011 by the balls but they had slippery balls and I was not prepared for the slippage of those years and their slippery balls. However 2012, firm grasp.
I am actually going to have resolutions this year. No, really. I’ll start typing them early. Serious resolutions too and not ones like: stop being scared by fast moving air hockey pucks on an air hockey tables although that is really something that I am scared of which is why I always lose at air hockey because I run away shrieking and cry into a pillow.
Not those.
Real resolutions though like go back to college and graduate and find what I want to do in the future. Find myself a girlfriend named Aisha Tyler might be on there too. I heard she is married though. Perhaps Gabrielle Union although she is dating Dwayne Wade. Hmph. Perhaps I can challenge him to a game of Connect Four where winner takes all. Yep, because I am not challenging him to a game of basketball, you know, because he plays that sport and is pretty good at it. I played it for an entire season in elementary school and scored four points the entire season. All free throws. He’s cool though. Dwayne Wade. Maybe I will date him too. Sorry, getting sidetracked.
Real resolutions though. Maybe I’ll post them on here although no one reads this because no one knows it exists, just like disco goblins. Disco goblins exist. They did in the 70’s at least.
Topic: Cold
I have a cold and it is not cool. I am going to fight this cold however. I drank some hot tea, took some cough drops, swallowed some pills and listened to some Hall & Oates. Yeah. That’ll show it. I am going to now drink bleach.
Topic: Batman & Joker Bobblehead Dolls
I have a Batman & Joker bobblehead doll. One is on the right side of my computer and the other is on the left. It is kind of that ‘angel/devil’ shoulder thing that I’ve got going on. I should also point out that my Joker bobblehead doll has a rad purple suit on. You just don’t see purple suits nowadays. Or green hair. Love that Joker.
Topic: Moving
I might be moving again in the fall. To another city. So far, I have gone from New Jersey to Miami to Houston. I should point out that New Jersey is not a city, it is a state or maybe it is a continent or a planet. Venus, Neptune, Pluto, New Jersey. Good ole planets. Anywho, I have about four possibilities that I am thinking of. My life, asides from improv comedy and helping people find books on French decorating, is a thing in shambles thanks to me being an eeeediot in the past who didn’t take his life serious enough. I’m not someone who wants to grow up get married, have a family and wear sweater vests at a country club but I also think I need to change some things thus I need to start fresh somewhere else. Yep.
Bad Sceenplay(s)
Drug Dealer: “You’re wearing a wire!”
Snitch: “You’re wearing Versace!”
Drug Dealer: “Aww, thank you for noticing.”
-END SCENE-
Business Man #1: “I read your resume. Impressive.”
Business Man #2: “Thank you, sir.”
Business Man #1: “Then I turned it into a shiv.”
*Buisiness Man #1 stabs Business Man #2 repeatedly*
Business Man #1: “You can start Monday.”
-END SCENE-
Punk: “I want my lawyer.”
Detective: “I want mi-mi-mi-my sharona!”
-END SCENE-
Bank Robber #1: “Quick! Put the cash in the bag!”
Bank Robber #2: “Oh, but I put a bunch of lemon rasberry squares in that bag.”
Bank Robber #1: “Why the hell would you do that?”
Bank Robber #2: “Because they are so yummy yummy yummy in my tummy tummy tummy. Om nom nom!”
*Bank Robber #1 shoots Bank Robber #2*
*Bank Robber #3 walks into scene*
Bank Robber #3: “Is that the bag where we put the lemon rasberry squares?”
*Generic ‘wah, wah, wahhhhh’ sound effect plays*
-END SCENE-
Kidnapper: “I got your wife.”
*Husband shoots basketball into net*
Husband: ”..and I got game!”
Kidnapper: “Wait, did you plan to have this ransom drop in this basketball court only so you could say that line?”
Husband: “Yes.”
Kidnapper: “What if you missed?”
Husband: “Pssh. Bitch, please.”
-END SCENE-
Secretary: “Mr. President Of Canada, we have a problem in Quebec!”
President Of Canada: “Where the hell is Quebec?”
Secretary: “..It’s in Canada, sir.”
President Of Canada: “Ohhh yeahhh, I should know that.”
-END SCENE-
SWAT team member #1: “I’m going to kick the door down on three!”
SWAT team member #2: “And I’m going to do the cabbage patch on two!”
SWAT team member #3: “And I’m going to juggle these cats on one!”
-END SCENES-
Bad Screenplay(s)
Bad Guy: “Yep. No stolen stuff in here. How about you check down that hallway?”
*Good Guy walks off*
*Bad Guy turns to Henchman 1# and Henchman #2*
Bad Guy: “Kill him.”
*Henchman #1 shoots Henchman #2*
Bad Guy: “No, not, not him.”
Henchman #1: “Waahhh wahhhhhh.”
-END SCENE-
*interrogation room*
Punk Kid: “I want my lawyer!”
Detective: “I want an ice cream sundae!”
*Ice Cream Man comes in and hands Detective an ice cream sundae*
Detective: “I win.”
-END SCENE-
DEA Member: “We found nothing in there except for a white powder which they were sniffing into their nose.”
DEA Lead: “Cocaine?”
DEA Member: “Ooooohhhhhhhh, yeah…damn. I am not very good at this job.”
-END SCENE-
Business Man #1: “Blah blah blah board meetings.”
Business Man #2: “Blah blah blah pterodactyl attack.”
*pterodactyl swoops down and attacks Business Man #1*
-END SCENE-
Football Coach: “….So, that is the play that we are going to do.”
Quarterback: “Coach, all you said is ‘so, that is the play that we are going to do.”
Football Coach: “And that is why I’m your coach.”
Quarterback: “But…”
Football Coach: “I am Spartacus. I like my eggs sunny-side up. Giraffes have long necks. Jodie Sweetin was on Full House. Let’s win this game, boys!”
Quarterback: “Coach, we really should…”
Football Coach: “I don’t know anything about football.”
-END SCENE-
Good Guy: “Hah, there is no escape now except for that door behind you.”
*Bad Guys opens door and leaves*
Good Guy: “Hmph.”
-END SCENE-
Attractive Woman: “I love you, Hunky Highlander.”
Hunky Highlander: “And I love you, Attractive Woman.”
Clown-On-A-Unicycle: “I’m a clown-on-a-unicycle!”
-END SCENE-
Mayor: “Get me the mayor!”
Assistant: “You are the mayor.”
Mayor: “Damn right I am *slowly puts on sunglasses* Hit it DJ!”
Assistant: “We don’t have a DJ.”
*Mayor slowly takes off sunglasses and cries*
Assistant: “Can I like, resign?”
-END SCENE-
Teacher: “Class today we learn how to use our telekines…”
*desk flies and hits teacher*
-END SCENE-
Waiter: “Hey, I’m Zack! I’ll be your waiter today, anything to drink?”
Rebel: “Two bullets to the head was all it took. Now it is only me…and them.”
Waiter: “…kay.”
-END SCENE-
Bank Robber #1: “Nobody move!”
Bank Robber #2: “Shouldn’t you say ‘nobody move except for us?’
Bank Robber #1: “Fine. Nobody move except for us.’”
Bank Robber #2: “What about ‘nobody move, except for us and the person who will be retreiving the money for us?’
Bank Robber #1: “How about nobody move unless we tell you to move?”
Bank Robber #2: “Ehhhh……”
Bank Robber #1: “What? You don’t like it?”
Bank Robber #2: “…it kind of sounds complicated.”
Bank Robber #1: “You know what is complicated! This marriage!”
Bank Robber #2: *gasp*
Hostage #1: “Hey, so can we like, leave?”
-END SCENE-
Wife & Husband Together: “Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!”
Husband: “Rock!”
Wife: “Divorce.”
Husband: “Ahhhh, mannn.”
-END SCENE-
Waiter: “Ready to order?”
Rebel: “I’m bound on revenge. Bound like a piano cord wrapped around an instrument that plays music oh-so-slowly.”
Waiter: “Okay, soooo, I’ll be back..”
-END SCENE-
Detective: “We have a warrant for your arrest.”
Punk Kid: “I have a lava lamp for your retro room.”
Detective: “Awww, so sweet.”
-END SCENE-
Critic: “What the hell did I just read?”
Writer: “The long-awaited screenplay to ‘Spice World 2.’”
Critic: “Oooohhhhh.”
-END-
Why I Don’t Curse (for the most part)
Lot of people have told me, “I’ve never heard you curse.” You see, my swearing is pretty much a mixture of Butters from ‘South Park’, Ned Flanders from ‘The Simpsons’ and Robin from the 1960’s Batman TV show. I basically find other words to fill in for curse words such as ‘ah, gingersnaps!’ instead of ‘oh f*ck!’ or ‘holy gee wilikers!’ instead of ‘holy gee sh*t!’ That said, I have actually never heard anyone say ‘holy gee sh*t’ before.
I have many friends who are much cooler than I who tell stories like this: “Listen up motherf*ckers, I was driving my f*cking car when a f*cking zepplin flew f*cking in front of me and I was like, what the f*ck, is that a f*cking zepplin? F*ck yeah it was! So I slam my f*cking brakes which don’t f*cking work and my f*cking car slams into a f*cking Fudruckers and the f*cking asshole in the f*cking zepplin f*cking flys off and I was like, ah f*ck, so I f*cking order some f*cking french fries from the f*cking F*ckruckers and only get one f*cking ketchup packet! F*ck that sh*t!”
I don’t think that was a real story that was told to me.
Anywho, I figured that I don’t curse because (a) I hardly ever get angry thus don’t feel the need to waste a curse word on me debating why Miss Scarlett is the best character to be in the board game ‘Clue’ (another blog, another day) (b) I play lot of Mad Libs thus enjoy finding other words to use instead like ‘Jigglypuffing’ (c) I would only want to curse if I was a British gangster because when British gangsters curse it sounds about 200% better and more fleunt, especially if they are beating someone up with a golf club. Bloody ‘ell.
I also reserve my curse words for times of need. The only times when I curse is when I am geniuly upset about something which will go from me calling something ‘bullfunky’ to ‘bullsh*t.’ In order for me to claim something is ‘bullsh*t’ well, it will really have to be ‘bullsh*t.’ Like my GPS telling me it is going to avoid the toll roads but then taking me on a toll road after I spent all my change on gummy worms.
A customer being rude to me at work will usually be considered in my book as an ‘unfriendly person’ but if they are really rude to me than fine, I will consider them an ‘asshole.’ I once actually called a customer an ‘asshole’ once but really, that customer was an ‘asshole.’
I also think that men try to sound tough and hip when they curse every other setence. And I am not tough but any means. Like if I went into a biker bar, a mafia meeting or a Bronx deli than I would expect to hear curse words being flown out of their mouths like zepplins on acid, or like, um, a better analogy than that.
A friend of mine once said, “Matt, I’ve never heard you curse before, say f*ck.” All eyes then were on me. I kinda felt like it didn’t count since I was being told to say it and it wasn’t organically being said from my mouth in the heat of the f*cking moment. I however couldn’t just say ‘f*ck’ so I told one of my friends to say something like, “Look a UFO in the sky!” to which I then responded with, “What the f*ck!” instead of “Diddly doe whatdoyaknow!” which I mean is something I’m sure I would say if I say an alien spacecraft in the sky above. Totally.
I’m not saying cursing is a sin as I’m not religious since the only religion I follow is Bjorkism which is a religion I made up that worships the Icelandic singer Bjork (another blog, another day) or that cursing isn’t cool (whenever Will Arnett curses it is freaking hiliarous, and hot. Wait, what?) but I just feel that for me to say what I got to say I can do it without cursing. Oh, I’m also not cool whatsoever.
And if you don’t like it. Well, then go fuck off.
Holly weeping waterloo wilikers, see what I did there?
Celebrity Crushes
FEMALE CELEBRITY CRUSHES
1. Aisha Tyler
2. Gabrielle Union
3. Santiogold
4. Nicki Minaj
MALE CELEBRITY CRUSHES
1. Sean Connery
2. Daniel Craig
3. David Bowie
4. Don Rickles
So, yeah, I only got celebrity crushes on black female celebrities and British male celebrities..and Don Rickles.
